Weakness

It is hard to remember a time where I have felt so hopeless and empty.

I know that this is an "ungodly" place to be, if you or I take that sentence at face value.

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for quite a few months now, and I had a year of preparation with a doctor, because I have some hormonal imbalance. Needless to say I have been thinking and dreaming of holding and molding our own child to become light in the dark place that we live.

Each month I am faced with the start of my period. Each month it brings a new since of emptiness, sorrow and disappointment. Each month I feel less and less like a "real woman", because I am unable to preform the seemingly simple task of pregnancy.

So then, the next month I am diligent in my scheduled meds, diligent in my prayers, and each month I am forced to surrender a little more... due to my feelings of incompetency, and acknowledgment that I am really unable to preform this miracle on my own.

Just a couple days ago, my period started again, after "having a feeling" I might be pregnant and having two pregnancy tests fail. I was devastated.

Looking at the blood I was reminded of the verse: Isaiah 64:6 "we have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away." I have heard it preached that when we hear the words polluted garment, we are to think of the dirtied fabric that holds menstral blood.

I was overwhelmed with a since of awe. This is how God sees me... As I look at my 'rag' I am disappointed and shows that my body was unfruitful. I, in all my working to become pregnant am unable to make righteousness or fruitfulness happen on my own.

Without God, that is what our lives tend to be. Disappointing and unfruitful.

I was reminded again this morning in my time with the Lord in 2 Corinthians 12,
Paul too had things that pledged him. Things that frustrated him, his 'thorn in the flesh'... He pleaded with God. God didn't seem to take this thorn away... but insisted said that "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" Paul chose to boast in the weakness that he had, because it showed that in his weakness God was made known.

I will end with this:
Proverbs 30:15-16

The leech has two daughters: Give and Give.

Three things are never satisfied; four never say, "Enough"

Sheol, the barren womb, the land never satisfied with water, and fire that never says, "Enough".

I am comforted with this verse. The Lord knows my desire. He also knows my curse as a woman.
In the garden with Adam and Eve, God cursed us both. Woman with pain in child birth and man in working the ground. Both off those things never say "enough".

I believe that I am experiencing my curse. I am understanding what my sin has done to make this world so hard....the story was not over in the garden though. My story is not done either.
For Christs sake then I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.


This is what I want to be. I want to be strong in the Lord. I want to remain in his grace despite the circumstance of my womb.


God has been enough, and will continue to be enough in this circumstance too.

Pray that I would learn to rely on the Lord more. That I like Paul would have the ability to let go and allow God to be enough. This life is so short. I don't want to waste it on worrying about something beyond my control.

Perspective

Reading this morning about faith.

How I feel like I lack it. And I do.

How sad it is to read in Matthew Ch 8 about demon possessed men that taunt Jesus... then he saves them from the demons and throws the demons into a heard of pigs! The piggies run off the hill into water and die.

The men are amazed and run to tell of their good news, and when the people find Jesus the tell him to depart!!

"And when he came to the other side, to the country of the Gadarenes,5 two pdemon-possessed6 men met him, coming out of the tombs, so fierce that no one could pass that way. 29 And behold, they qcried out, “What have you to do with us, rO Son of God? Have you come here to torment us sbefore the time?” 30 Now a herd of many pigs was feeding at some distance from them. 31 And the demons begged him, saying, “If you cast us out, send us away into the herd of pigs.” 32 And he said to them,“Go.” So they came out and went into the pigs, and behold, the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the sea and drowned in the waters. 33 The herdsmen fled, and going into the city they told everything, especially what had happened to the tdemon-possessed men. 34 And behold, all the city came out to meet Jesus, and when they saw him, uthey begged him to leave their region."

What a people they were. So sad.

Lord, my heart breaks for the lack of faith and praise these people had for you. How I want to be different.
You may destroy the things in my life that I value the most or that bring me the most worldly gain... my job, my looks, my health... would I still praise you? would I still bring you glory? would you still be the Love of my life, if things changed?

Lord from your perspective those two demon possessed men where so much greater than any heard.
Although those men were nobodies to the town, just scum, how could the towns people care less about what you did for those demon possessed men? All they could focus on was what was destroyed, not what was restored.

How many times in my life are you at work, and I think that you are just destroying things? Please teach me to have the right perspective. Let me remember to focus on the things that are good and worthy of praise. Because then and only then will I be able to have a faith that praises you. Only then can I see and appreciate what you are doing in my life, and in the lives of others.

Yesterday

As I sit outside my little studio apartment at my table with all my flowers and succulents atop, my mind slows. I see beauty in sitting still. Sun is shinning in my eyes, but also shinning through the petals of my purple and pink and red flowers.
Fun how you can enjoy and notice and appreciate the simple things as you quiet your soul.

Anyway, yesterday...
I was able to train in a different position at work yesterday. I am learning how to admit patients to hospice. I got to see the beauty in the job. We introduce people into the space of acceptance. Acceptance of the things seen, and feelings felt as a person either is, or is watching, a loved one slow down and soon die. In admissions, we are the first to see a patient. Now the hard part is that we don't always know what we are walking into. There are many emotions that fill a room, no matter the size, to overflowing. People are passionate about living. People love their denial. Heck, I love my denial. But as we step into the house we hold up a mirror, a mirror that most try to avoid. No with the mirror of truth, we also gently follow with kind and skilled hands and heart that support and hold bodies and tears and anger and fear. We are seen either as the angles of death, or angles of mercy. I find so much meaning in my job. People are most broken here a lot of times, and God has allowed me in this space with them. To see myself. To see my lost heart. To see His faithfulness. His tenderness with people.

The person that was training me is an interesting lady... spunky and natural, full of vitamins and ideas.
As we talked and "bantered" about our different positions, and expectations that come along with them. As we were talking, she popped about 10 vitamins and supplements, and then took a vile of liquid and squirted it in her mouth. I found it very fascinating. So, I asked her what in the world she was putting into her system.
She went on to explain that they were liquids that we made from plants or flowers. She was explaining that there were negative emotions like anger, impatience, anxiety ect that each flower was supposed to help alleviate. In the moment, I totally accepted it as fact, found it interesting and a bit intriguing. I had thoughts of trying to find some for my own negative feelings like worry, or fear, or lack of motivation. Surly I too could benefit from such remedies.  

Then I came out to my little table this morning in search of God, of his presence, of his beauty. I found Him. He whispered to my heart, I have overcome the world. I live inside of you. You have my power to stand against your strong emotions. The emotions that seem so great. You crippling fear, your constant worry that you wont be enough for Me, your need for self control... I AM. I am your God. I am the one who loves you the most. I am the one that wants to heal you. I came to give life and do so abundantly. I am GOD. Will you let me in? Will you let me in? Will you let me in?
How easily I forget that I am in such need, depravity really, for My Creator. His mission and desire is to show us that he is a just and loving god. Such mercy He has on me each day.

May you be blessed this day, knowing that the one who knows you better than you know yourself, is at work in your heart if you allow him, to heal and restore your soul. We don't know what tomorrow holds, nor do we know when our last breath will take place here on earth... but be encouraged! God will walk with us as we have hurt, feel anxious, or angry, or are even dying.

WE HAVE LIFE EVERLASTING IN HIM!

Why?

The wind is blowing, and the sun is shining.
Life is good.

Looking out my window I see shadows dancing on the apartment building next to mine. My window is open allowing some fresh air in, and the noises of tree branches and leaves rustling also enter my room and grace my ears.

I am observing the shadow cast by the tree. It is like abstract art. The tree itself is very realistic looking (cause it is real) and the picture I see of it in the shadow doesn't lie... it tells the story but from a different perspective. It is not as detailed, it is only one color, the form is clear, but the details fuzzy. It moves and changes as the tree itself changes, but it cant change on its own... it needs the tree to change first, before it can move.
It needs light to shine to be seen, otherwise it is irrelevant and absent. The tree will always be, but the shadow is something different.... it is not constant, nor is it able to be felt.

Why did God make shadows?

My Goal in Life

"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you."
James 1:27


I see how people treat each other. In times of sadness or unlovely circumstances, people often run... either toward or away from the "problem".  It is when they run away that sadness is ramped in the time of pain, and that pain is only intensified. 

Working in Hospice I see sadness all the time. 

As I reflect on this verse, I am often times reminded that I do indeed care for many widows. So many of my patients are alone, and untaken care of. They face their last days isolated, depressed, and in life review that is often times a disappointment or a life that has actually gotten them so sick that hope has been lost.

Now, I must confess... the verse above is all too convicting. ".... and refusing to let the world corrupt you." I am not a bible scholar, and I could be reading something into this... but I do think that there may be a reason that caring for lost souls or forgotten people, can corrupt, and I can see it in my own life.

I feel like I get dirty when I do my job. I become jaded, or have to put up some kind of shield to protect either myself or others. I start to have a sarcastic attitude. My heart begins to forget about the soul that encompasses each one of the people that I tend to. I forget to look past the despondent daughter, or the absent husband, or the unstable son.... yet those are the people that God has placed in my path. I don't know why, maybe to show me part of humanity that is in need of grace, maybe to break me of looking at life in a certain way. But, yesterday all I wanted to do was run. Run away from the pain. Run away from caring. Run to a job or a life calling that has nothing to do with forgotten people.

Have I let the world corrupt me? Has the hopelessness of life bogged me down to the point of loosing my joy. Has God shown me too much sadness to remember what happiness is?

Lord, please take my heart of heaviness and replace it with one of levity. Let me view the world with your eyes. I am sorry when I let the ways of the world discourage me to the point of me wanting to run. Forgive me of forgetting to look at people the way that you do. Please allow my spirit to love caring for people again. Give me the strength to resist being corrupted. 

forgiveness

As the days go by and I interact with people, I have so many opportunities to hurt others, or, for that matter get hurt.I spend time worrying about it... like I am some how able to prevent it from happening if I worry?Reading in Matthew this morning chapter 18.. 

21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often ywill my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? zAs many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.23 “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished ato settle accounts with his servants.7 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him bten thousand ctalents.8 25 dAnd since he could not pay, his master ordered him eto be sold, with his wife and fchildren and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant9 gfell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ 27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and dforgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundredhdenarii,10 and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt.31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 iAnd should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ 34 jAnd in anger his master delivered him to the jailers,11 kuntil he should pay all his debt. 35 lSo also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother mfrom your heart.”


Look at how the Lord Jesus deals with people that wrong each other.  He tells them to forgive seventy times seven!! Then the passage goes on to talk about after we are forgiven, and I think about being forgiven by our great God, but we all have experienced the grace of a friend or family member forgiving us as well... and  yet we still have such a hard time letting go of past hurts.God wants to free us from our past, and wants us to shower each other with this gift of forgiveness and life giving grace toward each other as well. In church this last week our pastor spoke about grace. We have all been given so so much grace. The heavenly father showers us with it.

I live in a sin filled world. I need not worry if I will be hurt, or if I will hurt others. It is going to happen! It all boils down to the choice I make to show, and even allow myself to experience grace. Interesting how allowing grace to cover can be just as hard, if not a bit harder to handle, than giving it at times. I need to learn to humble myself and allow the Lord first to show me His grace that is new every morning, accept it as a gift undeserved, but then give it, and quickly, to the people He places in my life. 

Thank you Lord for your freedom. Teach me to understand grace more as I accept and apply it. Show me ways today that I can choose to be life giving and grace filled. Show me your spirit move as you teach me how to give grace. 

Matthew 10:39

Man... life is so full of confusion.

I sit here and feel like life is just happening all around me, and I just get to watch. 

I wonder how people get off living without Jesus. Hope is lost otherwise. My hope would be lost today if that were the case. There really is not one reason to really live if Jesus is not apart of your life. 

Dont get me wrong... I am not suicidal. I do see the joys of life. 

But...  

I think about the things that I love the most in the world: flowers, and bugs, fresh air and sunshine, rain and green plants...the beauty of color and design... the wrinkled hands of my patients, the smell of a loved ones presence, the taste of warm ginger tea, the feeling of making someone smile, or feel loved. All these things make life, life. 
We live in a tangible world full of taste, sight, smell, touch. 
Yet we all know that there is something more. Something deeper. We have souls, emotions, and hormones.You can't see them or feel them or taste them. 

The only One that can truly make us feel alive is the One who can reach into the heart, feel around, see its grime and slime, see our hatred, and selfishness, and pride, and bitterness and fear... and upon seeing all of it tell me that He cares, He will die for me. He accepts. He holds me and places value on me. Embracing me as I am. He knows my core. He knows what I am made of.... I can't run away from Him to the point that He forgets about me. He is patient. He won't force Himself on me. He won't make me choose Him or love Him, but He wants me to. He wants me to want Him. He has a direction for my life. He wants to lead me and guide me. He wants to protect me and hold me close to his heart. He wants to watch me grow and be apart of that process. 

A relationship with Jesus doesn't have strings attached. I can't hurt His feelings with my little gestures. I can't push him so far away that I know I can never come back to Him. He grants me total security. Security to screw life up. Security to know that if I do choose him, it is always the right choice. 

The question is... will I choose Him? Will I let Him be the lover of my soul? Will I be vulnerable with Him? Will I follow Him? Will I surrender to Him? 
Will I make Him LORD?

This is not a choice that you choose once. He will be your savior the first time you ask Him to rescue you from a pointless world and a pointless future and He never backs down on His side of the covenant... 

But the choice that must be reinstated each day is one of Lordship. 
It is a daily surrender. 
A daily death to desire. 
A daily loss.

 Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it. 
Matthew 10:39.