Matthew 10:39

Man... life is so full of confusion.

I sit here and feel like life is just happening all around me, and I just get to watch. 

I wonder how people get off living without Jesus. Hope is lost otherwise. My hope would be lost today if that were the case. There really is not one reason to really live if Jesus is not apart of your life. 

Dont get me wrong... I am not suicidal. I do see the joys of life. 

But...  

I think about the things that I love the most in the world: flowers, and bugs, fresh air and sunshine, rain and green plants...the beauty of color and design... the wrinkled hands of my patients, the smell of a loved ones presence, the taste of warm ginger tea, the feeling of making someone smile, or feel loved. All these things make life, life. 
We live in a tangible world full of taste, sight, smell, touch. 
Yet we all know that there is something more. Something deeper. We have souls, emotions, and hormones.You can't see them or feel them or taste them. 

The only One that can truly make us feel alive is the One who can reach into the heart, feel around, see its grime and slime, see our hatred, and selfishness, and pride, and bitterness and fear... and upon seeing all of it tell me that He cares, He will die for me. He accepts. He holds me and places value on me. Embracing me as I am. He knows my core. He knows what I am made of.... I can't run away from Him to the point that He forgets about me. He is patient. He won't force Himself on me. He won't make me choose Him or love Him, but He wants me to. He wants me to want Him. He has a direction for my life. He wants to lead me and guide me. He wants to protect me and hold me close to his heart. He wants to watch me grow and be apart of that process. 

A relationship with Jesus doesn't have strings attached. I can't hurt His feelings with my little gestures. I can't push him so far away that I know I can never come back to Him. He grants me total security. Security to screw life up. Security to know that if I do choose him, it is always the right choice. 

The question is... will I choose Him? Will I let Him be the lover of my soul? Will I be vulnerable with Him? Will I follow Him? Will I surrender to Him? 
Will I make Him LORD?

This is not a choice that you choose once. He will be your savior the first time you ask Him to rescue you from a pointless world and a pointless future and He never backs down on His side of the covenant... 

But the choice that must be reinstated each day is one of Lordship. 
It is a daily surrender. 
A daily death to desire. 
A daily loss.

 Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it. 
Matthew 10:39.

Love Letter

• Ezekiel 36

This chapter was one that I was brought to tonight. These verses specifically.

(25-32)... I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. 26 And I will give you ia new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.1 28 You shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers, and you shall be my people, and I will be your God. 29 And I will deliver you from all your uncleannesses. And I will summon the grain and make it abundant and lay no famine upon you. 30 I will make the fruit of the tree and the increase of the field abundant, that you may never again suffer the disgrace of famine among the nations. 31 Then you will remember your evil ways, and your deeds that were not good, and you will loathe yourselves for your iniquities and your abominations. 32 It is not for your sake that I will act, declares the Lord God; let that be known to you. Be ashamed and confounded for your ways, O house of Israel.



As I read the whole chapter, I was acutely aware to the fact that we are cleansed, not for our own sakes but for the sake of the Lord, that He may be known. We may see how desperately we needed hope, and grace and then understand more deeply our desire to repent and grow.

How awesome.

I guess I keep trying to understand how to get my life to mean something, anything. Yet I am relieved to know that my life is not my own to make something great of. Only the work of the Lord will make anything truly great. And only will I appreciate that life that he has given me when I see his grace at work. Only when I begin to see that life is not about me am I truly able to surrender.

God thank you so much for wanting to sprinkle me with water that will make me clean before you. Thank you for your new spirit that you put in me. Please wash me of all my sin, all my idols, and all my pride. Thank you that ultimately it really is not about me, or any other human on this planet. We serve an audience of ONE!

As I see all my sin, may I be ashamed, and give it back to you. Let me see it for what it is, repent, and move on. As I am ashamed, allow my heart to be thankful because you took it upon yourself and died for me in all my grim.


I love you Lord. So much.

How do we have peace?

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,

What a glory He sheds on our way!

While we do His good will, He abides with us still,

And with all who will trust and obey.


Refrain


Trust and obey, for there’s no other way

To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.


Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,

But His smile quickly drives it away;

Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,

Can abide while we trust and obey.


Refrain


Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,

But our toil He doth richly repay;

Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,

But is blessed if we trust and obey.


Refrain


But we never can prove the delights of His love

Until all on the altar we lay;

For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,

Are for them who will trust and obey.


Refrain


Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet.

Or we’ll walk by His side in the way.

What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;

Never fear, only trust and obey.

This is a song that my mom used to sing to me when I was a little girl. 

Why is it that it feels so much easier to trust and obey the Lord when you are young? I am trying to think about choices that I had had to make as a younger me... Thinking back, there have been hard times and easy times of obedience, but, most times it has cost, and it is hard. 

But to be at peace in your heart, knowing that you are doing all that he asks of you, this is what it means to be walking with the Lord. That is the joy of this life. Even when all those around you look at your choice or the way that you chose to make the decision and find you unstable, even more, when I look at what God is saying and find a million reasons why it shouldn't be, I WILL learn how to trust and obey. It is never too late to choose to obey, despite how it may feel.

Lord teach me what your voice sounds like. Teach me how to trust you more. I am holding you to this time of obedience. You will use this Lord. You must use it. You prepare us for future good works, you are working and have a good plan.... All in order to glorify you the more. 

Allow my heart and the heart of the ones I love to know you more through this time. That you would be all the more real to us. Hold our hearts. Don't allow us to become jaded, or hard. Teach us. Bless us. Not because we deserve this, but because you promise to never leave or forsake, and that is a blessing in its self. 

Please give me strength Jesus, because disobedience brings pain. Pain that is felt by myself, but also the ones that I love the most.  Ultimately acts of obedience to you Lord are the most loving acts one can take. Help me to be loving and kind, full of your grace, and your truth. Sustain me when I feel weak, because I feel weak. 

Thank you for not being a God that punishes. When you are leading me somewhere I don't want to go, it is not because you are mad or withholding something good. YOU are enough!! You are able to bring peace to our hearts like no one else can... even when its hard or it hurts... 

Chist Loves ME!!?

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength and all your mind.

Man, these last couple months have been difficult.

You think that you know God, and then everything seems to change... or you just realize that the way you have always thought about the Lord is different than who he is. Maybe he really is more full of grace than you realize, and maybe his love is defined not by who you are, or how lovable you are, but because he choses to see you at your weakest moment and deem you lovely.
In the midst of my grime and grit, he still loves me.

I am trying to make a huge decision... a decision that I have tried for a good 6 months to avoid, and the last 2 months trying to put on someone else. Sometimes God is asking me to make the decision.
Do you think that God will make it for me? Will he somehow reach down and walk me in the way that I am supposed to go?

Never knew I could love someone so much, or feel as cherished as I have. How is it that I am supposed to give up? How do I turn my back on someone who has done nothing but show Christ's love to me? How do I do that? Is that what God would ask? Is that what I would be "wise" to do?

Marriage is a huge step. It is scary... full of unknowns, there are no guarantees. He could stop loving me... I could stop loving him. He could leave, or we could have a life that is hard, and unproductive, or full of struggle... I keep living in what if land. What if he is not "the one" for me? What if God could have used me better if I leave him and find someone else... or not get married.

He is not perfect, nor am I.

What is the point of marriage? I think that I have heard about as many reasons for marriage as there are people alive... What does God say??

Married people are supposed to be a picture of the church and Christ. We are supposed to be an example, a picture, in the flesh of the relationship that we have with our Father in heaven.
Marriage is to make us holy and not happy... so says our premarital bible study.

So, am I afraid of the process of becoming holy? is there really a right person? cause, I will never be the  "right" person, that if for sure. I think that I am trying to clean myself up before I feel ready, and expecting the same of the Mr. How is that a picture of the church? Jesus calls me to himself, just like I am. He is not one to leave me where I am at, but desires to have me come close to him, and be cleaned by spending time with him, obeying him, and asking him to help me as I change more into the person that he calls me to be.

How do you accept someone as they are totally and completely? How do I accept myself as I am? How do I accept that God sees me and loves me as I am? We are not good enough... yet he loves.

How do you know if God is closing the door? or telling you to move on?
I would guess if there was some known sin? or something that God was convicting us about?
Not just a voice that tells me to "let him go", without a reason. Or is having a faith in the Lord, listening to that voice not knowing why or having a reason. Will God honor that choice?
My heart wants nothing more than to obey what God is saying to me... I guess I am just confused.

Will continue to pray. Pray that God would be giving me peace, and trust in him. Pray that I will be willing to give up even the one here on earth that I love the most, if that is what he is asking me to do. Pray that I will be willing to face this relationship and God head on trusting that He will work thru it, and grow and groom me into the person that He wants me to be. Being willing to grow through the hard things, and not just turn and run. That I would be willing to communicate my heart and desires, share in dreams, and grow with someone on earth so that we may show others a bit of heaven and grace and the amazing gift that God has given human kind.

Pray with me and for me. There are so many marriages that are under attack. No wonder. Satan has to hate the relationships that are actually modeling the picture of the Church and Christ. It is to show our total need for salvation, shows our deep need to be accepted and pursued, and cherished.
Pray for all the marriages that value the picture that they are to paint for the world. They don't have to have it all together... Christ is full of grace. The more that we know Christ, the better we are at showing grace.

Thank you Lord for your grace toward us as humans. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you that you accept me, and then take the time to mold me into who you want me to be.
Amen.

People impact me.

People impact you.

Wether we wish them to or not, we all effect each other to some extent.

Lord, please, let my life be one that blesses and uplifts others. I am so sorry when I hurt instead of help. Teach me to love you, more than I would love myself.

amen.

Touch

Sitting at the bedside of dying people is my job. I am a hospice nurse.

It is a conversation stopper, and a "oh, it takes a special person to do that" comment,

whenever I am asked what I do for a living...

Both of these reactions make me uncomfortable.

EVERYone dies... just in the case that you didn't realize that.

So why do we gingerly step around the subject, or feel weird about it? And why do people think that that would take a special person? For goodness sake, anyone could sit with an outstretched hand to someone... Aren't we all dying?

Today I was able to sit with a little italian lady. She would babble in italian, and even though I spent three months in Italy when I was young, the only word that I could make out was, grazie (thank you). She had fallen twice yesterday, and had a bruised orbital area, as well as a couple stitches. She also must have tried to catch herself as she was falling because she also had a purple hand/wrist.

As I was sitting there doing my nursing assessment, I reached out for her hand.

As I held it I prayed for her aloud, asking God to bless her. When I tried to remove my hand, she would not let go.

How many people are desperate? in need of a simple touch? Who need love?

We have the answer fellow Christians!!! Why, why am I so reluctant to love?

Real love is being willing to tell others the truth.

God made each and every one of us special.

No one is alike.

We each have an area of influence.. at least that is what they say.

I have seen it over and again, how we all affect each other.

Why not take a moment to think about how much Christ has saved us from, and then actually respond.

Speak that truth in love.

From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny.

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written:

“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;

the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.”

1 cor 1:18-19

There are great monuments in life. Things that we look forward to or look back on and say,

"Wow."

Either we say this in relief or disbelief, or in great revelation.

How often do I think that milstones are the moments that life is made of... yet the every day things are soon forgotten. How my heart longs to accomplish something great, to reach for the starts! Yet I forget that although all these things that are milestones, really are not the important things. It is all the little things in between, the character that God chooses to grow in us along the way, that, is what is important. My attitude toward the cross.

What does it all really mean... or even matter?

Lord let me remember that you command my destiny. Teach me to rest in your arms of love, knowing that you will lead, if I choose to follow....