Weakness

It is hard to remember a time where I have felt so hopeless and empty.

I know that this is an "ungodly" place to be, if you or I take that sentence at face value.

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for quite a few months now, and I had a year of preparation with a doctor, because I have some hormonal imbalance. Needless to say I have been thinking and dreaming of holding and molding our own child to become light in the dark place that we live.

Each month I am faced with the start of my period. Each month it brings a new since of emptiness, sorrow and disappointment. Each month I feel less and less like a "real woman", because I am unable to preform the seemingly simple task of pregnancy.

So then, the next month I am diligent in my scheduled meds, diligent in my prayers, and each month I am forced to surrender a little more... due to my feelings of incompetency, and acknowledgment that I am really unable to preform this miracle on my own.

Just a couple days ago, my period started again, after "having a feeling" I might be pregnant and having two pregnancy tests fail. I was devastated.

Looking at the blood I was reminded of the verse: Isaiah 64:6 "we have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away." I have heard it preached that when we hear the words polluted garment, we are to think of the dirtied fabric that holds menstral blood.

I was overwhelmed with a since of awe. This is how God sees me... As I look at my 'rag' I am disappointed and shows that my body was unfruitful. I, in all my working to become pregnant am unable to make righteousness or fruitfulness happen on my own.

Without God, that is what our lives tend to be. Disappointing and unfruitful.

I was reminded again this morning in my time with the Lord in 2 Corinthians 12,
Paul too had things that pledged him. Things that frustrated him, his 'thorn in the flesh'... He pleaded with God. God didn't seem to take this thorn away... but insisted said that "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" Paul chose to boast in the weakness that he had, because it showed that in his weakness God was made known.

I will end with this:
Proverbs 30:15-16

The leech has two daughters: Give and Give.

Three things are never satisfied; four never say, "Enough"

Sheol, the barren womb, the land never satisfied with water, and fire that never says, "Enough".

I am comforted with this verse. The Lord knows my desire. He also knows my curse as a woman.
In the garden with Adam and Eve, God cursed us both. Woman with pain in child birth and man in working the ground. Both off those things never say "enough".

I believe that I am experiencing my curse. I am understanding what my sin has done to make this world so hard....the story was not over in the garden though. My story is not done either.
For Christs sake then I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.


This is what I want to be. I want to be strong in the Lord. I want to remain in his grace despite the circumstance of my womb.


God has been enough, and will continue to be enough in this circumstance too.

Pray that I would learn to rely on the Lord more. That I like Paul would have the ability to let go and allow God to be enough. This life is so short. I don't want to waste it on worrying about something beyond my control.

Perspective

Reading this morning about faith.

How I feel like I lack it. And I do.

How sad it is to read in Matthew Ch 8 about demon possessed men that taunt Jesus... then he saves them from the demons and throws the demons into a heard of pigs! The piggies run off the hill into water and die.

The men are amazed and run to tell of their good news, and when the people find Jesus the tell him to depart!!

"And when he came to the other side, to the country of the Gadarenes,5 two pdemon-possessed6 men met him, coming out of the tombs, so fierce that no one could pass that way. 29 And behold, they qcried out, “What have you to do with us, rO Son of God? Have you come here to torment us sbefore the time?” 30 Now a herd of many pigs was feeding at some distance from them. 31 And the demons begged him, saying, “If you cast us out, send us away into the herd of pigs.” 32 And he said to them,“Go.” So they came out and went into the pigs, and behold, the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the sea and drowned in the waters. 33 The herdsmen fled, and going into the city they told everything, especially what had happened to the tdemon-possessed men. 34 And behold, all the city came out to meet Jesus, and when they saw him, uthey begged him to leave their region."

What a people they were. So sad.

Lord, my heart breaks for the lack of faith and praise these people had for you. How I want to be different.
You may destroy the things in my life that I value the most or that bring me the most worldly gain... my job, my looks, my health... would I still praise you? would I still bring you glory? would you still be the Love of my life, if things changed?

Lord from your perspective those two demon possessed men where so much greater than any heard.
Although those men were nobodies to the town, just scum, how could the towns people care less about what you did for those demon possessed men? All they could focus on was what was destroyed, not what was restored.

How many times in my life are you at work, and I think that you are just destroying things? Please teach me to have the right perspective. Let me remember to focus on the things that are good and worthy of praise. Because then and only then will I be able to have a faith that praises you. Only then can I see and appreciate what you are doing in my life, and in the lives of others.

Yesterday

As I sit outside my little studio apartment at my table with all my flowers and succulents atop, my mind slows. I see beauty in sitting still. Sun is shinning in my eyes, but also shinning through the petals of my purple and pink and red flowers.
Fun how you can enjoy and notice and appreciate the simple things as you quiet your soul.

Anyway, yesterday...
I was able to train in a different position at work yesterday. I am learning how to admit patients to hospice. I got to see the beauty in the job. We introduce people into the space of acceptance. Acceptance of the things seen, and feelings felt as a person either is, or is watching, a loved one slow down and soon die. In admissions, we are the first to see a patient. Now the hard part is that we don't always know what we are walking into. There are many emotions that fill a room, no matter the size, to overflowing. People are passionate about living. People love their denial. Heck, I love my denial. But as we step into the house we hold up a mirror, a mirror that most try to avoid. No with the mirror of truth, we also gently follow with kind and skilled hands and heart that support and hold bodies and tears and anger and fear. We are seen either as the angles of death, or angles of mercy. I find so much meaning in my job. People are most broken here a lot of times, and God has allowed me in this space with them. To see myself. To see my lost heart. To see His faithfulness. His tenderness with people.

The person that was training me is an interesting lady... spunky and natural, full of vitamins and ideas.
As we talked and "bantered" about our different positions, and expectations that come along with them. As we were talking, she popped about 10 vitamins and supplements, and then took a vile of liquid and squirted it in her mouth. I found it very fascinating. So, I asked her what in the world she was putting into her system.
She went on to explain that they were liquids that we made from plants or flowers. She was explaining that there were negative emotions like anger, impatience, anxiety ect that each flower was supposed to help alleviate. In the moment, I totally accepted it as fact, found it interesting and a bit intriguing. I had thoughts of trying to find some for my own negative feelings like worry, or fear, or lack of motivation. Surly I too could benefit from such remedies.  

Then I came out to my little table this morning in search of God, of his presence, of his beauty. I found Him. He whispered to my heart, I have overcome the world. I live inside of you. You have my power to stand against your strong emotions. The emotions that seem so great. You crippling fear, your constant worry that you wont be enough for Me, your need for self control... I AM. I am your God. I am the one who loves you the most. I am the one that wants to heal you. I came to give life and do so abundantly. I am GOD. Will you let me in? Will you let me in? Will you let me in?
How easily I forget that I am in such need, depravity really, for My Creator. His mission and desire is to show us that he is a just and loving god. Such mercy He has on me each day.

May you be blessed this day, knowing that the one who knows you better than you know yourself, is at work in your heart if you allow him, to heal and restore your soul. We don't know what tomorrow holds, nor do we know when our last breath will take place here on earth... but be encouraged! God will walk with us as we have hurt, feel anxious, or angry, or are even dying.

WE HAVE LIFE EVERLASTING IN HIM!

Why?

The wind is blowing, and the sun is shining.
Life is good.

Looking out my window I see shadows dancing on the apartment building next to mine. My window is open allowing some fresh air in, and the noises of tree branches and leaves rustling also enter my room and grace my ears.

I am observing the shadow cast by the tree. It is like abstract art. The tree itself is very realistic looking (cause it is real) and the picture I see of it in the shadow doesn't lie... it tells the story but from a different perspective. It is not as detailed, it is only one color, the form is clear, but the details fuzzy. It moves and changes as the tree itself changes, but it cant change on its own... it needs the tree to change first, before it can move.
It needs light to shine to be seen, otherwise it is irrelevant and absent. The tree will always be, but the shadow is something different.... it is not constant, nor is it able to be felt.

Why did God make shadows?

My Goal in Life

"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you."
James 1:27


I see how people treat each other. In times of sadness or unlovely circumstances, people often run... either toward or away from the "problem".  It is when they run away that sadness is ramped in the time of pain, and that pain is only intensified. 

Working in Hospice I see sadness all the time. 

As I reflect on this verse, I am often times reminded that I do indeed care for many widows. So many of my patients are alone, and untaken care of. They face their last days isolated, depressed, and in life review that is often times a disappointment or a life that has actually gotten them so sick that hope has been lost.

Now, I must confess... the verse above is all too convicting. ".... and refusing to let the world corrupt you." I am not a bible scholar, and I could be reading something into this... but I do think that there may be a reason that caring for lost souls or forgotten people, can corrupt, and I can see it in my own life.

I feel like I get dirty when I do my job. I become jaded, or have to put up some kind of shield to protect either myself or others. I start to have a sarcastic attitude. My heart begins to forget about the soul that encompasses each one of the people that I tend to. I forget to look past the despondent daughter, or the absent husband, or the unstable son.... yet those are the people that God has placed in my path. I don't know why, maybe to show me part of humanity that is in need of grace, maybe to break me of looking at life in a certain way. But, yesterday all I wanted to do was run. Run away from the pain. Run away from caring. Run to a job or a life calling that has nothing to do with forgotten people.

Have I let the world corrupt me? Has the hopelessness of life bogged me down to the point of loosing my joy. Has God shown me too much sadness to remember what happiness is?

Lord, please take my heart of heaviness and replace it with one of levity. Let me view the world with your eyes. I am sorry when I let the ways of the world discourage me to the point of me wanting to run. Forgive me of forgetting to look at people the way that you do. Please allow my spirit to love caring for people again. Give me the strength to resist being corrupted. 

forgiveness

As the days go by and I interact with people, I have so many opportunities to hurt others, or, for that matter get hurt.I spend time worrying about it... like I am some how able to prevent it from happening if I worry?Reading in Matthew this morning chapter 18.. 

21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often ywill my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? zAs many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.23 “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished ato settle accounts with his servants.7 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him bten thousand ctalents.8 25 dAnd since he could not pay, his master ordered him eto be sold, with his wife and fchildren and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant9 gfell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ 27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and dforgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundredhdenarii,10 and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt.31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 iAnd should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ 34 jAnd in anger his master delivered him to the jailers,11 kuntil he should pay all his debt. 35 lSo also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother mfrom your heart.”


Look at how the Lord Jesus deals with people that wrong each other.  He tells them to forgive seventy times seven!! Then the passage goes on to talk about after we are forgiven, and I think about being forgiven by our great God, but we all have experienced the grace of a friend or family member forgiving us as well... and  yet we still have such a hard time letting go of past hurts.God wants to free us from our past, and wants us to shower each other with this gift of forgiveness and life giving grace toward each other as well. In church this last week our pastor spoke about grace. We have all been given so so much grace. The heavenly father showers us with it.

I live in a sin filled world. I need not worry if I will be hurt, or if I will hurt others. It is going to happen! It all boils down to the choice I make to show, and even allow myself to experience grace. Interesting how allowing grace to cover can be just as hard, if not a bit harder to handle, than giving it at times. I need to learn to humble myself and allow the Lord first to show me His grace that is new every morning, accept it as a gift undeserved, but then give it, and quickly, to the people He places in my life. 

Thank you Lord for your freedom. Teach me to understand grace more as I accept and apply it. Show me ways today that I can choose to be life giving and grace filled. Show me your spirit move as you teach me how to give grace. 

Matthew 10:39

Man... life is so full of confusion.

I sit here and feel like life is just happening all around me, and I just get to watch. 

I wonder how people get off living without Jesus. Hope is lost otherwise. My hope would be lost today if that were the case. There really is not one reason to really live if Jesus is not apart of your life. 

Dont get me wrong... I am not suicidal. I do see the joys of life. 

But...  

I think about the things that I love the most in the world: flowers, and bugs, fresh air and sunshine, rain and green plants...the beauty of color and design... the wrinkled hands of my patients, the smell of a loved ones presence, the taste of warm ginger tea, the feeling of making someone smile, or feel loved. All these things make life, life. 
We live in a tangible world full of taste, sight, smell, touch. 
Yet we all know that there is something more. Something deeper. We have souls, emotions, and hormones.You can't see them or feel them or taste them. 

The only One that can truly make us feel alive is the One who can reach into the heart, feel around, see its grime and slime, see our hatred, and selfishness, and pride, and bitterness and fear... and upon seeing all of it tell me that He cares, He will die for me. He accepts. He holds me and places value on me. Embracing me as I am. He knows my core. He knows what I am made of.... I can't run away from Him to the point that He forgets about me. He is patient. He won't force Himself on me. He won't make me choose Him or love Him, but He wants me to. He wants me to want Him. He has a direction for my life. He wants to lead me and guide me. He wants to protect me and hold me close to his heart. He wants to watch me grow and be apart of that process. 

A relationship with Jesus doesn't have strings attached. I can't hurt His feelings with my little gestures. I can't push him so far away that I know I can never come back to Him. He grants me total security. Security to screw life up. Security to know that if I do choose him, it is always the right choice. 

The question is... will I choose Him? Will I let Him be the lover of my soul? Will I be vulnerable with Him? Will I follow Him? Will I surrender to Him? 
Will I make Him LORD?

This is not a choice that you choose once. He will be your savior the first time you ask Him to rescue you from a pointless world and a pointless future and He never backs down on His side of the covenant... 

But the choice that must be reinstated each day is one of Lordship. 
It is a daily surrender. 
A daily death to desire. 
A daily loss.

 Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it. 
Matthew 10:39.

Love Letter

• Ezekiel 36

This chapter was one that I was brought to tonight. These verses specifically.

(25-32)... I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. 26 And I will give you ia new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.1 28 You shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers, and you shall be my people, and I will be your God. 29 And I will deliver you from all your uncleannesses. And I will summon the grain and make it abundant and lay no famine upon you. 30 I will make the fruit of the tree and the increase of the field abundant, that you may never again suffer the disgrace of famine among the nations. 31 Then you will remember your evil ways, and your deeds that were not good, and you will loathe yourselves for your iniquities and your abominations. 32 It is not for your sake that I will act, declares the Lord God; let that be known to you. Be ashamed and confounded for your ways, O house of Israel.



As I read the whole chapter, I was acutely aware to the fact that we are cleansed, not for our own sakes but for the sake of the Lord, that He may be known. We may see how desperately we needed hope, and grace and then understand more deeply our desire to repent and grow.

How awesome.

I guess I keep trying to understand how to get my life to mean something, anything. Yet I am relieved to know that my life is not my own to make something great of. Only the work of the Lord will make anything truly great. And only will I appreciate that life that he has given me when I see his grace at work. Only when I begin to see that life is not about me am I truly able to surrender.

God thank you so much for wanting to sprinkle me with water that will make me clean before you. Thank you for your new spirit that you put in me. Please wash me of all my sin, all my idols, and all my pride. Thank you that ultimately it really is not about me, or any other human on this planet. We serve an audience of ONE!

As I see all my sin, may I be ashamed, and give it back to you. Let me see it for what it is, repent, and move on. As I am ashamed, allow my heart to be thankful because you took it upon yourself and died for me in all my grim.


I love you Lord. So much.

How do we have peace?

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,

What a glory He sheds on our way!

While we do His good will, He abides with us still,

And with all who will trust and obey.


Refrain


Trust and obey, for there’s no other way

To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.


Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,

But His smile quickly drives it away;

Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,

Can abide while we trust and obey.


Refrain


Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,

But our toil He doth richly repay;

Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,

But is blessed if we trust and obey.


Refrain


But we never can prove the delights of His love

Until all on the altar we lay;

For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,

Are for them who will trust and obey.


Refrain


Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet.

Or we’ll walk by His side in the way.

What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;

Never fear, only trust and obey.

This is a song that my mom used to sing to me when I was a little girl. 

Why is it that it feels so much easier to trust and obey the Lord when you are young? I am trying to think about choices that I had had to make as a younger me... Thinking back, there have been hard times and easy times of obedience, but, most times it has cost, and it is hard. 

But to be at peace in your heart, knowing that you are doing all that he asks of you, this is what it means to be walking with the Lord. That is the joy of this life. Even when all those around you look at your choice or the way that you chose to make the decision and find you unstable, even more, when I look at what God is saying and find a million reasons why it shouldn't be, I WILL learn how to trust and obey. It is never too late to choose to obey, despite how it may feel.

Lord teach me what your voice sounds like. Teach me how to trust you more. I am holding you to this time of obedience. You will use this Lord. You must use it. You prepare us for future good works, you are working and have a good plan.... All in order to glorify you the more. 

Allow my heart and the heart of the ones I love to know you more through this time. That you would be all the more real to us. Hold our hearts. Don't allow us to become jaded, or hard. Teach us. Bless us. Not because we deserve this, but because you promise to never leave or forsake, and that is a blessing in its self. 

Please give me strength Jesus, because disobedience brings pain. Pain that is felt by myself, but also the ones that I love the most.  Ultimately acts of obedience to you Lord are the most loving acts one can take. Help me to be loving and kind, full of your grace, and your truth. Sustain me when I feel weak, because I feel weak. 

Thank you for not being a God that punishes. When you are leading me somewhere I don't want to go, it is not because you are mad or withholding something good. YOU are enough!! You are able to bring peace to our hearts like no one else can... even when its hard or it hurts... 

Chist Loves ME!!?

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength and all your mind.

Man, these last couple months have been difficult.

You think that you know God, and then everything seems to change... or you just realize that the way you have always thought about the Lord is different than who he is. Maybe he really is more full of grace than you realize, and maybe his love is defined not by who you are, or how lovable you are, but because he choses to see you at your weakest moment and deem you lovely.
In the midst of my grime and grit, he still loves me.

I am trying to make a huge decision... a decision that I have tried for a good 6 months to avoid, and the last 2 months trying to put on someone else. Sometimes God is asking me to make the decision.
Do you think that God will make it for me? Will he somehow reach down and walk me in the way that I am supposed to go?

Never knew I could love someone so much, or feel as cherished as I have. How is it that I am supposed to give up? How do I turn my back on someone who has done nothing but show Christ's love to me? How do I do that? Is that what God would ask? Is that what I would be "wise" to do?

Marriage is a huge step. It is scary... full of unknowns, there are no guarantees. He could stop loving me... I could stop loving him. He could leave, or we could have a life that is hard, and unproductive, or full of struggle... I keep living in what if land. What if he is not "the one" for me? What if God could have used me better if I leave him and find someone else... or not get married.

He is not perfect, nor am I.

What is the point of marriage? I think that I have heard about as many reasons for marriage as there are people alive... What does God say??

Married people are supposed to be a picture of the church and Christ. We are supposed to be an example, a picture, in the flesh of the relationship that we have with our Father in heaven.
Marriage is to make us holy and not happy... so says our premarital bible study.

So, am I afraid of the process of becoming holy? is there really a right person? cause, I will never be the  "right" person, that if for sure. I think that I am trying to clean myself up before I feel ready, and expecting the same of the Mr. How is that a picture of the church? Jesus calls me to himself, just like I am. He is not one to leave me where I am at, but desires to have me come close to him, and be cleaned by spending time with him, obeying him, and asking him to help me as I change more into the person that he calls me to be.

How do you accept someone as they are totally and completely? How do I accept myself as I am? How do I accept that God sees me and loves me as I am? We are not good enough... yet he loves.

How do you know if God is closing the door? or telling you to move on?
I would guess if there was some known sin? or something that God was convicting us about?
Not just a voice that tells me to "let him go", without a reason. Or is having a faith in the Lord, listening to that voice not knowing why or having a reason. Will God honor that choice?
My heart wants nothing more than to obey what God is saying to me... I guess I am just confused.

Will continue to pray. Pray that God would be giving me peace, and trust in him. Pray that I will be willing to give up even the one here on earth that I love the most, if that is what he is asking me to do. Pray that I will be willing to face this relationship and God head on trusting that He will work thru it, and grow and groom me into the person that He wants me to be. Being willing to grow through the hard things, and not just turn and run. That I would be willing to communicate my heart and desires, share in dreams, and grow with someone on earth so that we may show others a bit of heaven and grace and the amazing gift that God has given human kind.

Pray with me and for me. There are so many marriages that are under attack. No wonder. Satan has to hate the relationships that are actually modeling the picture of the Church and Christ. It is to show our total need for salvation, shows our deep need to be accepted and pursued, and cherished.
Pray for all the marriages that value the picture that they are to paint for the world. They don't have to have it all together... Christ is full of grace. The more that we know Christ, the better we are at showing grace.

Thank you Lord for your grace toward us as humans. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you that you accept me, and then take the time to mold me into who you want me to be.
Amen.

People impact me.

People impact you.

Wether we wish them to or not, we all effect each other to some extent.

Lord, please, let my life be one that blesses and uplifts others. I am so sorry when I hurt instead of help. Teach me to love you, more than I would love myself.

amen.

Touch

Sitting at the bedside of dying people is my job. I am a hospice nurse.

It is a conversation stopper, and a "oh, it takes a special person to do that" comment,

whenever I am asked what I do for a living...

Both of these reactions make me uncomfortable.

EVERYone dies... just in the case that you didn't realize that.

So why do we gingerly step around the subject, or feel weird about it? And why do people think that that would take a special person? For goodness sake, anyone could sit with an outstretched hand to someone... Aren't we all dying?

Today I was able to sit with a little italian lady. She would babble in italian, and even though I spent three months in Italy when I was young, the only word that I could make out was, grazie (thank you). She had fallen twice yesterday, and had a bruised orbital area, as well as a couple stitches. She also must have tried to catch herself as she was falling because she also had a purple hand/wrist.

As I was sitting there doing my nursing assessment, I reached out for her hand.

As I held it I prayed for her aloud, asking God to bless her. When I tried to remove my hand, she would not let go.

How many people are desperate? in need of a simple touch? Who need love?

We have the answer fellow Christians!!! Why, why am I so reluctant to love?

Real love is being willing to tell others the truth.

God made each and every one of us special.

No one is alike.

We each have an area of influence.. at least that is what they say.

I have seen it over and again, how we all affect each other.

Why not take a moment to think about how much Christ has saved us from, and then actually respond.

Speak that truth in love.

From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny.

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written:

“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;

the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.”

1 cor 1:18-19

There are great monuments in life. Things that we look forward to or look back on and say,

"Wow."

Either we say this in relief or disbelief, or in great revelation.

How often do I think that milstones are the moments that life is made of... yet the every day things are soon forgotten. How my heart longs to accomplish something great, to reach for the starts! Yet I forget that although all these things that are milestones, really are not the important things. It is all the little things in between, the character that God chooses to grow in us along the way, that, is what is important. My attitude toward the cross.

What does it all really mean... or even matter?

Lord let me remember that you command my destiny. Teach me to rest in your arms of love, knowing that you will lead, if I choose to follow....

Change Happens

Life is Beautiful

All things change...

some things for the good and others, well not so much.

But they are always changing.

I try to keep myself protected from this change.

I try to cover my heart with fire resistant material, yet to no avail.

I am not protecting myself when I do this. As I cover myself up and hold it all in I can not grow. I instead fester in my selfishness.

Lord change my hearts perspective. Teach me to be open to change and to bless others as I have to grow, that my branches would provide shade, and beauty to those around me. Let me shine your love.

God let my roots be grounded deep into your soil, so that I may be strong. Let me be willing and that it be natural to soak in your presence.

Love,

Your daughter.

Gratitude.

Good afternoon.

I am amazed at Gods absolute grace toward me.

He puts up with me as I complain my way through life... I think that He is trying to teach me though. That I will need to do all things without complaining.

Right now, my life is not too much fun, but God continues to provide for me... I am not working as a nurse, but I have a job to go to every day, and people in my life. I have food in my belly, and to my amazement a roof over my head, none of my bills are late quite yet, and I am hopeful that a pay check will be on its way soon.

When I was working and making a more comfortable living, I was constantly complaining... I was trying to find fulfillment out of my job, instead of looking for it in the Lord, I knew that I was doing this, and still somehow unable to "fix" the problem that I was facing. My God is all knowing though, and took me out of the position that I was in, humbling me so that I was forced to look to Him.

He teaches those He loves. This I cling to, knowing that I will one day... day by day, look to Him for all that I need, and showing others their need as well.

All in all,

God is good. Despite my circumstances, despite me, God is good, because He is God.

Philippians 2

¹² Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, ¹³for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

¹⁴ Do everything without grumbling or arguing, ¹⁵ so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”^[c] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky ¹⁶ as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. ¹⁷ But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. ¹⁸So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

Stages

Well, I am looking inside today.

I am staying with my grandmother this weekend, and she has just broken her hip about three months ago. Before this accident, she was walking around without a walker... She is fighting the idea of having to use the walker for the rest of her life. I feel that at times I have a hard time thinking about my life and how I will ever be in a place of responsibility and that I will never be able to go back to a care free life, playing basket ball on the weekends with my brother, and eating banana splits.

Life is full of stages. We all have a choice to either embrace where we are or, fight tooth and nail against the inevitable.

Change is something that will always be with us.

Growing up I would work with older people... I would always say, "when I get older, I want to grow old gracefully.." Well, the more that I live I realize that growing old is something that we do every day.

I pray that today I will begin this journey of growing old will begin, and I will be found doing it gracefully.

Please remind me how attractive it is to be content with the place that I am in life.

Storms

Some days/times in life I feel like I am in a storm.

I love storms though... it is gray outside and all the plants look extra green, you can see big clouds and the heavens are opening up... God is crying on his people. I believe that rain heals the land, and tears heal my soul. When ever it rains, I feel that God is sympathizing with me, crying with me, if you will. Storms also come with intense wind. When the wind rips though my clothes, I feel that I am vulnerable to it, and God himself is touching me, hugging me, forcing me to realize my humanity.

That would be the way that this time of my life feels.

All the things that I have at one time found security in have disappeared. My job, soon my home, and independence, most of my friends have dispersed..... Even though I feel completely vulnerable, I know that the rain heals, and I will grow with the nourishment it brings. And that even thought it is hard to have the wind rip though my heart, I will be closer to Him because I will have a chance to let God be real to me, I can show him my vulnerabilities, and insecurities.

I don't know what the next step in my life will be, but I know that God has my back. I hope that i will be changed by His grace, and my purpose would be found in Him and Him alone.

Lord, please change my heart to beat with yours... Let me see you in a new light. Help me to trust. Thank you for your peace. Show me how to love. Let me love you well.

Submission

I am frustrated.  Why do I have such a hard time continuing on in this walk we call life.

It seems impossible to stay on the path of truth. I know that I can not do this without God... But what is my responsibility in this thing called life. I really want to change. I want my life to become more reflective of the Lord and his desire on my life... How? How do I balance my desire to change myself, perfect myself, and allow the Lord to do a work in my life.  Why can I not seem to give the Lord my heart and life wholly? 

I can recognize things that need to be changed. But it seems like that is as far as I get in the changing process... 

Lord, please help me learn how to submit to you. Teach me what I need to do in order to change, and show me what part you need to change due to my humanity. 

VITAL SIGNS!

As a nursing student, I always have nursing on the brain...

The other morning I was able to relax, because I made myself, and was reading a book for "fun"!

The book is about spiritual discipleship. One part of the book had the word vital. It was talking about how God needs to be vital in our lives. How we need to have a devotion to Christ that is vital to our survival.

Because I see the word vital everyday in the hospital, I associate the word with vital signs: Blood pressure, pulse, respirations, and temperature. 

Now I will explain how God spoke to me through a silly thought process of a nursing student.

Blood pressure is the force that the heart imposes on the vessels, as well at the hearts ability to perfuse the system with blood. This is a big component in staying alive. 

So, spiritually speaking, is my "heart" strong enough to keep me spiritually alive? Am I allowing God's heart to to pump into my life? Is He perfusing me? Is His love flowing through my veins?

Pulse is the test that we use to see if our extremities are being nourished with blood. There actually is a heart rhythm in which the electrical part of the heart is working, but the mechanical part of the heart is not. This is a pulseless rhythm. So it may have the most beautiful heart rhythm, but if there is no blood pumping out because of a faulty heart muscle, then you will not feel a pulse, and the extremities will not be filled with circulating blood.

So, spiritually speaking.... I could have all the right actions, and be doing all the right things, but if my hands and feet are not warm and full of Gods spirit, those actions mean nothing. Can others be touched my warm hands? I am being effective, and not just looking effective? 

Respirations are important to monitor as a nurse. The process is so natural. Breathing in and out. People rely on their ability to breath. They rely on their being enough oxygen in the air to keep there cells alive and able to work. When the oxygen goes into our lungs and reaches the avoli (lung tissue) at the bases of our lungs, there is an exchange. Oxygen enters the circulating blood and CO2 enters the lungs. This is a natural process...

Am I breathing? relying on God 100% ? If I am breathing in the word of God, it should be a natural thing for me to blow off prayer and blessings. In the body it takes more work to breath the air out than to take it in.  There is a negative pressure that is made when air is blown out, so there needs to be something to fill that negative pressure. 

It is easy to read the word of God, but it takes work to bless others. Am I breathing effectively? In and out?

Temperature is something that we measure as nurses. Temp is an indicator of how hard our body is working. When our bodies are invaded by bacteria, our body works rather hard to fight off that problem. This is a good thing, to an extent, but if our body works too hard and our metabolic rate increases too much, permeant damage may occur. This is when the doctor will give an antibiotic, to help the body kick the bug. 

In my life, I need the warning sign that I am working too hard to fight off my own problems. My "temp" rises, and in my own efforts, I can create damage. But I have recently been reminded that the only one who can really change the outcome of certain circumstances, is God (my antibiotic.)

Am I fighting the battle, or am I having God fight on my behalf? Am I trusting that the antibiotic will actually help? Or am I convinced that I can handle it on my own?

These are the thoughts that go through my mind when I think Vital! I need to remember how vital God is to my life. 

I am full of uncertainties.

I don't know where I am going to live in three weeks, I am going to be working with psyciatric patients, and I don't know where I am going to get the money to go to school. 

I am overwhelmed with all the options I have that are being presented to me, and confused by the fact that none of them have a concrete bottom.

I am tired beyond belief. And I can't fall asleep.

I am ceritan of only one thing. God is love. He knows what my tomorrow holds. He knows. He knows where I will rest my head in three weeks, and where I will rest it in three years. He knows. Why do I fret when I know him and I know that the God of the universe has this whole thing worked out? 

 

Lord please help me to rest in your arms toning. Help me know that you do know. 

I love you. Thank you for loving me even when I do not trust.