Weakness

It is hard to remember a time where I have felt so hopeless and empty.

I know that this is an "ungodly" place to be, if you or I take that sentence at face value.

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for quite a few months now, and I had a year of preparation with a doctor, because I have some hormonal imbalance. Needless to say I have been thinking and dreaming of holding and molding our own child to become light in the dark place that we live.

Each month I am faced with the start of my period. Each month it brings a new since of emptiness, sorrow and disappointment. Each month I feel less and less like a "real woman", because I am unable to preform the seemingly simple task of pregnancy.

So then, the next month I am diligent in my scheduled meds, diligent in my prayers, and each month I am forced to surrender a little more... due to my feelings of incompetency, and acknowledgment that I am really unable to preform this miracle on my own.

Just a couple days ago, my period started again, after "having a feeling" I might be pregnant and having two pregnancy tests fail. I was devastated.

Looking at the blood I was reminded of the verse: Isaiah 64:6 "we have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away." I have heard it preached that when we hear the words polluted garment, we are to think of the dirtied fabric that holds menstral blood.

I was overwhelmed with a since of awe. This is how God sees me... As I look at my 'rag' I am disappointed and shows that my body was unfruitful. I, in all my working to become pregnant am unable to make righteousness or fruitfulness happen on my own.

Without God, that is what our lives tend to be. Disappointing and unfruitful.

I was reminded again this morning in my time with the Lord in 2 Corinthians 12,
Paul too had things that pledged him. Things that frustrated him, his 'thorn in the flesh'... He pleaded with God. God didn't seem to take this thorn away... but insisted said that "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" Paul chose to boast in the weakness that he had, because it showed that in his weakness God was made known.

I will end with this:
Proverbs 30:15-16

The leech has two daughters: Give and Give.

Three things are never satisfied; four never say, "Enough"

Sheol, the barren womb, the land never satisfied with water, and fire that never says, "Enough".

I am comforted with this verse. The Lord knows my desire. He also knows my curse as a woman.
In the garden with Adam and Eve, God cursed us both. Woman with pain in child birth and man in working the ground. Both off those things never say "enough".

I believe that I am experiencing my curse. I am understanding what my sin has done to make this world so hard....the story was not over in the garden though. My story is not done either.
For Christs sake then I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.


This is what I want to be. I want to be strong in the Lord. I want to remain in his grace despite the circumstance of my womb.


God has been enough, and will continue to be enough in this circumstance too.

Pray that I would learn to rely on the Lord more. That I like Paul would have the ability to let go and allow God to be enough. This life is so short. I don't want to waste it on worrying about something beyond my control.

Perspective

Reading this morning about faith.

How I feel like I lack it. And I do.

How sad it is to read in Matthew Ch 8 about demon possessed men that taunt Jesus... then he saves them from the demons and throws the demons into a heard of pigs! The piggies run off the hill into water and die.

The men are amazed and run to tell of their good news, and when the people find Jesus the tell him to depart!!

"And when he came to the other side, to the country of the Gadarenes,5 two pdemon-possessed6 men met him, coming out of the tombs, so fierce that no one could pass that way. 29 And behold, they qcried out, “What have you to do with us, rO Son of God? Have you come here to torment us sbefore the time?” 30 Now a herd of many pigs was feeding at some distance from them. 31 And the demons begged him, saying, “If you cast us out, send us away into the herd of pigs.” 32 And he said to them,“Go.” So they came out and went into the pigs, and behold, the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the sea and drowned in the waters. 33 The herdsmen fled, and going into the city they told everything, especially what had happened to the tdemon-possessed men. 34 And behold, all the city came out to meet Jesus, and when they saw him, uthey begged him to leave their region."

What a people they were. So sad.

Lord, my heart breaks for the lack of faith and praise these people had for you. How I want to be different.
You may destroy the things in my life that I value the most or that bring me the most worldly gain... my job, my looks, my health... would I still praise you? would I still bring you glory? would you still be the Love of my life, if things changed?

Lord from your perspective those two demon possessed men where so much greater than any heard.
Although those men were nobodies to the town, just scum, how could the towns people care less about what you did for those demon possessed men? All they could focus on was what was destroyed, not what was restored.

How many times in my life are you at work, and I think that you are just destroying things? Please teach me to have the right perspective. Let me remember to focus on the things that are good and worthy of praise. Because then and only then will I be able to have a faith that praises you. Only then can I see and appreciate what you are doing in my life, and in the lives of others.