It is hard to remember a time where I have felt so hopeless and empty.
I know that this is an "ungodly" place to be, if you or I take that sentence at face value.
My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for quite a few months now, and I had a year of preparation with a doctor, because I have some hormonal imbalance. Needless to say I have been thinking and dreaming of holding and molding our own child to become light in the dark place that we live.
Each month I am faced with the start of my period. Each month it brings a new since of emptiness, sorrow and disappointment. Each month I feel less and less like a "real woman", because I am unable to preform the seemingly simple task of pregnancy.
So then, the next month I am diligent in my scheduled meds, diligent in my prayers, and each month I am forced to surrender a little more... due to my feelings of incompetency, and acknowledgment that I am really unable to preform this miracle on my own.
Just a couple days ago, my period started again, after "having a feeling" I might be pregnant and having two pregnancy tests fail. I was devastated.
Looking at the blood I was reminded of the verse: Isaiah 64:6 "we have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away." I have heard it preached that when we hear the words polluted garment, we are to think of the dirtied fabric that holds menstral blood.
I was overwhelmed with a since of awe. This is how God sees me... As I look at my 'rag' I am disappointed and shows that my body was unfruitful. I, in all my working to become pregnant am unable to make righteousness or fruitfulness happen on my own.
Without God, that is what our lives tend to be. Disappointing and unfruitful.
I was reminded again this morning in my time with the Lord in 2 Corinthians 12,
Paul too had things that pledged him. Things that frustrated him, his 'thorn in the flesh'... He pleaded with God. God didn't seem to take this thorn away... but insisted said that "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" Paul chose to boast in the weakness that he had, because it showed that in his weakness God was made known.
I will end with this:
Proverbs 30:15-16
The leech has two daughters: Give and Give.
Three things are never satisfied; four never say, "Enough"
Sheol, the barren womb, the land never satisfied with water, and fire that never says, "Enough".
In the garden with Adam and Eve, God cursed us both. Woman with pain in child birth and man in working the ground. Both off those things never say "enough".
I believe that I am experiencing my curse. I am understanding what my sin has done to make this world so hard....the story was not over in the garden though. My story is not done either.
For Christs sake then I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
This is what I want to be. I want to be strong in the Lord. I want to remain in his grace despite the circumstance of my womb.
God has been enough, and will continue to be enough in this circumstance too.
Pray that I would learn to rely on the Lord more. That I like Paul would have the ability to let go and allow God to be enough. This life is so short. I don't want to waste it on worrying about something beyond my control.
