Yesterday

As I sit outside my little studio apartment at my table with all my flowers and succulents atop, my mind slows. I see beauty in sitting still. Sun is shinning in my eyes, but also shinning through the petals of my purple and pink and red flowers.
Fun how you can enjoy and notice and appreciate the simple things as you quiet your soul.

Anyway, yesterday...
I was able to train in a different position at work yesterday. I am learning how to admit patients to hospice. I got to see the beauty in the job. We introduce people into the space of acceptance. Acceptance of the things seen, and feelings felt as a person either is, or is watching, a loved one slow down and soon die. In admissions, we are the first to see a patient. Now the hard part is that we don't always know what we are walking into. There are many emotions that fill a room, no matter the size, to overflowing. People are passionate about living. People love their denial. Heck, I love my denial. But as we step into the house we hold up a mirror, a mirror that most try to avoid. No with the mirror of truth, we also gently follow with kind and skilled hands and heart that support and hold bodies and tears and anger and fear. We are seen either as the angles of death, or angles of mercy. I find so much meaning in my job. People are most broken here a lot of times, and God has allowed me in this space with them. To see myself. To see my lost heart. To see His faithfulness. His tenderness with people.

The person that was training me is an interesting lady... spunky and natural, full of vitamins and ideas.
As we talked and "bantered" about our different positions, and expectations that come along with them. As we were talking, she popped about 10 vitamins and supplements, and then took a vile of liquid and squirted it in her mouth. I found it very fascinating. So, I asked her what in the world she was putting into her system.
She went on to explain that they were liquids that we made from plants or flowers. She was explaining that there were negative emotions like anger, impatience, anxiety ect that each flower was supposed to help alleviate. In the moment, I totally accepted it as fact, found it interesting and a bit intriguing. I had thoughts of trying to find some for my own negative feelings like worry, or fear, or lack of motivation. Surly I too could benefit from such remedies.  

Then I came out to my little table this morning in search of God, of his presence, of his beauty. I found Him. He whispered to my heart, I have overcome the world. I live inside of you. You have my power to stand against your strong emotions. The emotions that seem so great. You crippling fear, your constant worry that you wont be enough for Me, your need for self control... I AM. I am your God. I am the one who loves you the most. I am the one that wants to heal you. I came to give life and do so abundantly. I am GOD. Will you let me in? Will you let me in? Will you let me in?
How easily I forget that I am in such need, depravity really, for My Creator. His mission and desire is to show us that he is a just and loving god. Such mercy He has on me each day.

May you be blessed this day, knowing that the one who knows you better than you know yourself, is at work in your heart if you allow him, to heal and restore your soul. We don't know what tomorrow holds, nor do we know when our last breath will take place here on earth... but be encouraged! God will walk with us as we have hurt, feel anxious, or angry, or are even dying.

WE HAVE LIFE EVERLASTING IN HIM!

Why?

The wind is blowing, and the sun is shining.
Life is good.

Looking out my window I see shadows dancing on the apartment building next to mine. My window is open allowing some fresh air in, and the noises of tree branches and leaves rustling also enter my room and grace my ears.

I am observing the shadow cast by the tree. It is like abstract art. The tree itself is very realistic looking (cause it is real) and the picture I see of it in the shadow doesn't lie... it tells the story but from a different perspective. It is not as detailed, it is only one color, the form is clear, but the details fuzzy. It moves and changes as the tree itself changes, but it cant change on its own... it needs the tree to change first, before it can move.
It needs light to shine to be seen, otherwise it is irrelevant and absent. The tree will always be, but the shadow is something different.... it is not constant, nor is it able to be felt.

Why did God make shadows?

My Goal in Life

"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you."
James 1:27


I see how people treat each other. In times of sadness or unlovely circumstances, people often run... either toward or away from the "problem".  It is when they run away that sadness is ramped in the time of pain, and that pain is only intensified. 

Working in Hospice I see sadness all the time. 

As I reflect on this verse, I am often times reminded that I do indeed care for many widows. So many of my patients are alone, and untaken care of. They face their last days isolated, depressed, and in life review that is often times a disappointment or a life that has actually gotten them so sick that hope has been lost.

Now, I must confess... the verse above is all too convicting. ".... and refusing to let the world corrupt you." I am not a bible scholar, and I could be reading something into this... but I do think that there may be a reason that caring for lost souls or forgotten people, can corrupt, and I can see it in my own life.

I feel like I get dirty when I do my job. I become jaded, or have to put up some kind of shield to protect either myself or others. I start to have a sarcastic attitude. My heart begins to forget about the soul that encompasses each one of the people that I tend to. I forget to look past the despondent daughter, or the absent husband, or the unstable son.... yet those are the people that God has placed in my path. I don't know why, maybe to show me part of humanity that is in need of grace, maybe to break me of looking at life in a certain way. But, yesterday all I wanted to do was run. Run away from the pain. Run away from caring. Run to a job or a life calling that has nothing to do with forgotten people.

Have I let the world corrupt me? Has the hopelessness of life bogged me down to the point of loosing my joy. Has God shown me too much sadness to remember what happiness is?

Lord, please take my heart of heaviness and replace it with one of levity. Let me view the world with your eyes. I am sorry when I let the ways of the world discourage me to the point of me wanting to run. Forgive me of forgetting to look at people the way that you do. Please allow my spirit to love caring for people again. Give me the strength to resist being corrupted. 

forgiveness

As the days go by and I interact with people, I have so many opportunities to hurt others, or, for that matter get hurt.I spend time worrying about it... like I am some how able to prevent it from happening if I worry?Reading in Matthew this morning chapter 18.. 

21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often ywill my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? zAs many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.23 “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished ato settle accounts with his servants.7 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him bten thousand ctalents.8 25 dAnd since he could not pay, his master ordered him eto be sold, with his wife and fchildren and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant9 gfell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ 27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and dforgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundredhdenarii,10 and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt.31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 iAnd should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ 34 jAnd in anger his master delivered him to the jailers,11 kuntil he should pay all his debt. 35 lSo also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother mfrom your heart.”


Look at how the Lord Jesus deals with people that wrong each other.  He tells them to forgive seventy times seven!! Then the passage goes on to talk about after we are forgiven, and I think about being forgiven by our great God, but we all have experienced the grace of a friend or family member forgiving us as well... and  yet we still have such a hard time letting go of past hurts.God wants to free us from our past, and wants us to shower each other with this gift of forgiveness and life giving grace toward each other as well. In church this last week our pastor spoke about grace. We have all been given so so much grace. The heavenly father showers us with it.

I live in a sin filled world. I need not worry if I will be hurt, or if I will hurt others. It is going to happen! It all boils down to the choice I make to show, and even allow myself to experience grace. Interesting how allowing grace to cover can be just as hard, if not a bit harder to handle, than giving it at times. I need to learn to humble myself and allow the Lord first to show me His grace that is new every morning, accept it as a gift undeserved, but then give it, and quickly, to the people He places in my life. 

Thank you Lord for your freedom. Teach me to understand grace more as I accept and apply it. Show me ways today that I can choose to be life giving and grace filled. Show me your spirit move as you teach me how to give grace. 

Matthew 10:39

Man... life is so full of confusion.

I sit here and feel like life is just happening all around me, and I just get to watch. 

I wonder how people get off living without Jesus. Hope is lost otherwise. My hope would be lost today if that were the case. There really is not one reason to really live if Jesus is not apart of your life. 

Dont get me wrong... I am not suicidal. I do see the joys of life. 

But...  

I think about the things that I love the most in the world: flowers, and bugs, fresh air and sunshine, rain and green plants...the beauty of color and design... the wrinkled hands of my patients, the smell of a loved ones presence, the taste of warm ginger tea, the feeling of making someone smile, or feel loved. All these things make life, life. 
We live in a tangible world full of taste, sight, smell, touch. 
Yet we all know that there is something more. Something deeper. We have souls, emotions, and hormones.You can't see them or feel them or taste them. 

The only One that can truly make us feel alive is the One who can reach into the heart, feel around, see its grime and slime, see our hatred, and selfishness, and pride, and bitterness and fear... and upon seeing all of it tell me that He cares, He will die for me. He accepts. He holds me and places value on me. Embracing me as I am. He knows my core. He knows what I am made of.... I can't run away from Him to the point that He forgets about me. He is patient. He won't force Himself on me. He won't make me choose Him or love Him, but He wants me to. He wants me to want Him. He has a direction for my life. He wants to lead me and guide me. He wants to protect me and hold me close to his heart. He wants to watch me grow and be apart of that process. 

A relationship with Jesus doesn't have strings attached. I can't hurt His feelings with my little gestures. I can't push him so far away that I know I can never come back to Him. He grants me total security. Security to screw life up. Security to know that if I do choose him, it is always the right choice. 

The question is... will I choose Him? Will I let Him be the lover of my soul? Will I be vulnerable with Him? Will I follow Him? Will I surrender to Him? 
Will I make Him LORD?

This is not a choice that you choose once. He will be your savior the first time you ask Him to rescue you from a pointless world and a pointless future and He never backs down on His side of the covenant... 

But the choice that must be reinstated each day is one of Lordship. 
It is a daily surrender. 
A daily death to desire. 
A daily loss.

 Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it. 
Matthew 10:39.

Love Letter

• Ezekiel 36

This chapter was one that I was brought to tonight. These verses specifically.

(25-32)... I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. 26 And I will give you ia new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.1 28 You shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers, and you shall be my people, and I will be your God. 29 And I will deliver you from all your uncleannesses. And I will summon the grain and make it abundant and lay no famine upon you. 30 I will make the fruit of the tree and the increase of the field abundant, that you may never again suffer the disgrace of famine among the nations. 31 Then you will remember your evil ways, and your deeds that were not good, and you will loathe yourselves for your iniquities and your abominations. 32 It is not for your sake that I will act, declares the Lord God; let that be known to you. Be ashamed and confounded for your ways, O house of Israel.



As I read the whole chapter, I was acutely aware to the fact that we are cleansed, not for our own sakes but for the sake of the Lord, that He may be known. We may see how desperately we needed hope, and grace and then understand more deeply our desire to repent and grow.

How awesome.

I guess I keep trying to understand how to get my life to mean something, anything. Yet I am relieved to know that my life is not my own to make something great of. Only the work of the Lord will make anything truly great. And only will I appreciate that life that he has given me when I see his grace at work. Only when I begin to see that life is not about me am I truly able to surrender.

God thank you so much for wanting to sprinkle me with water that will make me clean before you. Thank you for your new spirit that you put in me. Please wash me of all my sin, all my idols, and all my pride. Thank you that ultimately it really is not about me, or any other human on this planet. We serve an audience of ONE!

As I see all my sin, may I be ashamed, and give it back to you. Let me see it for what it is, repent, and move on. As I am ashamed, allow my heart to be thankful because you took it upon yourself and died for me in all my grim.


I love you Lord. So much.

How do we have peace?

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,

What a glory He sheds on our way!

While we do His good will, He abides with us still,

And with all who will trust and obey.


Refrain


Trust and obey, for there’s no other way

To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.


Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,

But His smile quickly drives it away;

Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,

Can abide while we trust and obey.


Refrain


Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,

But our toil He doth richly repay;

Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,

But is blessed if we trust and obey.


Refrain


But we never can prove the delights of His love

Until all on the altar we lay;

For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,

Are for them who will trust and obey.


Refrain


Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet.

Or we’ll walk by His side in the way.

What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;

Never fear, only trust and obey.

This is a song that my mom used to sing to me when I was a little girl. 

Why is it that it feels so much easier to trust and obey the Lord when you are young? I am trying to think about choices that I had had to make as a younger me... Thinking back, there have been hard times and easy times of obedience, but, most times it has cost, and it is hard. 

But to be at peace in your heart, knowing that you are doing all that he asks of you, this is what it means to be walking with the Lord. That is the joy of this life. Even when all those around you look at your choice or the way that you chose to make the decision and find you unstable, even more, when I look at what God is saying and find a million reasons why it shouldn't be, I WILL learn how to trust and obey. It is never too late to choose to obey, despite how it may feel.

Lord teach me what your voice sounds like. Teach me how to trust you more. I am holding you to this time of obedience. You will use this Lord. You must use it. You prepare us for future good works, you are working and have a good plan.... All in order to glorify you the more. 

Allow my heart and the heart of the ones I love to know you more through this time. That you would be all the more real to us. Hold our hearts. Don't allow us to become jaded, or hard. Teach us. Bless us. Not because we deserve this, but because you promise to never leave or forsake, and that is a blessing in its self. 

Please give me strength Jesus, because disobedience brings pain. Pain that is felt by myself, but also the ones that I love the most.  Ultimately acts of obedience to you Lord are the most loving acts one can take. Help me to be loving and kind, full of your grace, and your truth. Sustain me when I feel weak, because I feel weak. 

Thank you for not being a God that punishes. When you are leading me somewhere I don't want to go, it is not because you are mad or withholding something good. YOU are enough!! You are able to bring peace to our hearts like no one else can... even when its hard or it hurts... 

Chist Loves ME!!?

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength and all your mind.

Man, these last couple months have been difficult.

You think that you know God, and then everything seems to change... or you just realize that the way you have always thought about the Lord is different than who he is. Maybe he really is more full of grace than you realize, and maybe his love is defined not by who you are, or how lovable you are, but because he choses to see you at your weakest moment and deem you lovely.
In the midst of my grime and grit, he still loves me.

I am trying to make a huge decision... a decision that I have tried for a good 6 months to avoid, and the last 2 months trying to put on someone else. Sometimes God is asking me to make the decision.
Do you think that God will make it for me? Will he somehow reach down and walk me in the way that I am supposed to go?

Never knew I could love someone so much, or feel as cherished as I have. How is it that I am supposed to give up? How do I turn my back on someone who has done nothing but show Christ's love to me? How do I do that? Is that what God would ask? Is that what I would be "wise" to do?

Marriage is a huge step. It is scary... full of unknowns, there are no guarantees. He could stop loving me... I could stop loving him. He could leave, or we could have a life that is hard, and unproductive, or full of struggle... I keep living in what if land. What if he is not "the one" for me? What if God could have used me better if I leave him and find someone else... or not get married.

He is not perfect, nor am I.

What is the point of marriage? I think that I have heard about as many reasons for marriage as there are people alive... What does God say??

Married people are supposed to be a picture of the church and Christ. We are supposed to be an example, a picture, in the flesh of the relationship that we have with our Father in heaven.
Marriage is to make us holy and not happy... so says our premarital bible study.

So, am I afraid of the process of becoming holy? is there really a right person? cause, I will never be the  "right" person, that if for sure. I think that I am trying to clean myself up before I feel ready, and expecting the same of the Mr. How is that a picture of the church? Jesus calls me to himself, just like I am. He is not one to leave me where I am at, but desires to have me come close to him, and be cleaned by spending time with him, obeying him, and asking him to help me as I change more into the person that he calls me to be.

How do you accept someone as they are totally and completely? How do I accept myself as I am? How do I accept that God sees me and loves me as I am? We are not good enough... yet he loves.

How do you know if God is closing the door? or telling you to move on?
I would guess if there was some known sin? or something that God was convicting us about?
Not just a voice that tells me to "let him go", without a reason. Or is having a faith in the Lord, listening to that voice not knowing why or having a reason. Will God honor that choice?
My heart wants nothing more than to obey what God is saying to me... I guess I am just confused.

Will continue to pray. Pray that God would be giving me peace, and trust in him. Pray that I will be willing to give up even the one here on earth that I love the most, if that is what he is asking me to do. Pray that I will be willing to face this relationship and God head on trusting that He will work thru it, and grow and groom me into the person that He wants me to be. Being willing to grow through the hard things, and not just turn and run. That I would be willing to communicate my heart and desires, share in dreams, and grow with someone on earth so that we may show others a bit of heaven and grace and the amazing gift that God has given human kind.

Pray with me and for me. There are so many marriages that are under attack. No wonder. Satan has to hate the relationships that are actually modeling the picture of the Church and Christ. It is to show our total need for salvation, shows our deep need to be accepted and pursued, and cherished.
Pray for all the marriages that value the picture that they are to paint for the world. They don't have to have it all together... Christ is full of grace. The more that we know Christ, the better we are at showing grace.

Thank you Lord for your grace toward us as humans. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you that you accept me, and then take the time to mold me into who you want me to be.
Amen.